Bullshit meter is now in the red...

I know i have not posted here for a while but this pissed me off today.

I got an e-mail through my work e-mail account from one of the guys in the office. It was a forwarded e-mail string that was titled "FW: safety info- worth reading" I read this pile of crap and sent it back. The safety info is first and then my response.


We can now add to the list of victims the retired 77 yr. old TCU professor from Ft Worth whose body was found last week in Oklahoma--and the 11 yr. old in Sarasota , FL. Because of these recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know.

After reading these 9 crucial tips , forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM . Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD! IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5 . A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably ! in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

************* Here it is *******

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.
Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.

Shannon
Courtroom Deputy to Judge Robert
U.S. District Court for the Western District (just incase it was a bullshit e-mail that was orriginally sent out in the first place I left out the whole name.)

So Here is how I replied to all of the people that were copied along with myself.

Come on! The first 4 tips are good to know but, the rest of this is nothing more than someone trying to instill even more fear into the minds of an already fearful-of-everything society.

#4
a. "If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car"

Now. "gun the engine and speed into anything" after stating "DO NOT DRIVE OFF" kinda contradicts itself, call me crazy but if someone is in the car with you and your already parked, gunning the engine into the parked car 3 feet in front of you is going to do no damage to any one but may just make the person with the gun think you are really too stupid to rob so he might leave you alone. The better advice, which is what I assume they mean is, pretend to drive off and then gun the engine into a brick wall. Also, the word "Gun" is used twice and could be confusing to the scared little tramp reading this. She may think it means try to take the gun away from the gunman and shoot the engine. Or Politely ask the gunman to point the gun at the engine while she drives eratically in to a brick wall or other object. Note to Shannon - You may want to re think that statement.


#5-A
5 . A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

All the time spent looking around, looking into the passenger side floor, in the back seat, on the floor of the back seat, don't forget the trunk, doing your nails, getting a haircut. Jesus, take a peek while unlocking the door and get in. Stop bullshiting, get in and drive off. Spending all that time checking to see who is going to mug your sorry ass just leaves you more vulnerable to get your ass mugged.


#5-B
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

I feel sorry for the millions of hard working plumbers who have to own vans for their job. They are being indiscriminately targeted by a bunch of scared helpless bitches that probably just sit at home all day watching Oprah and the View. Listen, these guys work their asses off for you Bon-Bon eatin hookers, don't give them stink eye just because there was only one spot left in the parking lot and it happened to be next to your car. They were probably sent out to pick up some Midol and a box of pads for the helpless chick they have at home who was to scared to go out into the big bad world after reading this pile of "Helpful" shit.

#5-C

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

You ignorant cunt! Are you serious? I have a dick therefore I'm going to attack you, or mug you, or rape you? Why don't you just make #5-C "The Penis is EVIL! Stay away from the Penis!" This weekend while I'm out picking up an anniversary gift for my girlfriend and I get a face full of Mace just because I'm a man in a parked car, can I sue you for the amount of money it cost to replace my burning eyes!? I don't even have to be parked next to your car just "nearest your car". Hey, thanks for the mace, Shannon!

#6
ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

Yes, it is much better to be in an enclosed metal box hurling it self towards the ground where no one can hear you 30 floors below. Take the stairs and maybe there will be a Psycho Killer there or take the Elevator and again, maybe there will be a Psycho Killer there too. It does not matter, if someone wants to fuck you up, they're gonna find you and fuck you up. Regardless of if it's in the stair well or in an elevator. I say take the stairs and work off all the fucking Bon-Bons your fat ass has been eating then maybe your man will touch you again, you know you had too much food over the holidays and can't fit into your clothes anymore anyway.

#7
If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably ! in a zig -zag pattern!

This all depends on how far away the victim is and how good a shot the attacker is. This is really just a redundant statement that was made in rule #2 which I agree with "If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you..then RUN LIKE MAD! IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!" But! If they are not after your wallet or purse and just want to kill you...they will have a better chance of killing you then of you running away. There is no unwritten rule in the killers handbook that says they can't run after you... while shooting. They don't get penalized by the National Association of Murderers Club, they don't get there membership revoked or anything. They're not going to yell at you and say" Hey, your not supposed to run away" and then cry. They will pull the trigger while running behind you. Your dead. You have a better chance of standing there trying to talk them out of it.

Alternate to #7

You can not run away from the Predator...he has a lazer scope on his shoulder. You can zig zag all you want, the lazer shoulder wins, jeez. Unless you are the Govenor of California or your name is Roger Murtaugh, you will not beat the Predator. No woman will get this!

#8
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

I'm lost. Someone please tell me what the advice here is! PLEASE! All I see is that women should stay away from cripples and Ted Bundy was a smooth criminal. (yes, I'm singing smooth criminal now) By this point, if your a crippled man with a van your never gonna get laid - EVER, and you can thank Shannon for all the wonderful advice she has asked all of her man hating friends to send out in mass quantities. Here you go girls, stop being sympathetic entirely and while your at it tell your mom on Mothers Day to go fuck her self for she is the wretched bitch who brought you into this horrific world where men are allowed to park their vans in handicapped places. Oh the horror! *back of hand brought up to forehead as head is thrown back in disgust*


#9 *************Here it really is!********
Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over.

This is why you dumb bitches will always be inferior to men, ALWAYS! There is a crying baby on the porch that might crawl into the street and get run over...how the fuck did the baby get to your door step in the first place. Did it fly there? Did it use the cross walk correctly to get to your doorstep but now that it is so worn out and tired from it's long trip to your house it might forget that jaywalking is dangerous! Or logically thinking, have you ever heard a cat in heat? The low drone of a bitch cat can sometimes sound just like a crying baby, no joke. So now every time some stupid chick hears a cat in heat, they will call the police and waste resources that could actually be used elsewhere.